Category 6 breaks this incredible story. It appears that University of Missouri starters Kim English, Marcus Denmon, Ricardo Ratliff, Matt Pressey, and Phil Pressey were all found to have received benefits from assistants on former coach Mike Anderson’s staff.
Coach Frank Haith came out immediately against the 1-game ban and called it “completely unfair” and a “travesty” as he had nothing to do with the sins of the former coach. He lambasted the NCAA’s tradition of not holding coaches accountable for violations and instead punishing the players, the fans and the University of Missouri while running to another job free and clear.
Coach Haith was furious at the NCAA for depriving his team of a chance . . .
Kim English, Mizzou’s leading scorer spoke out against the ruling, stating that he had no idea that his parents received a Ferrari and a small subsistence farm complete with 2 goats, a cow and a bunch of chickens.
“This is really unfair,” said English. “Why am I being punished for something I knew nothing about?”
Marcus Denmon was equally upset and pleaded with the NCAA to review their decision. He noted that his family was assured by a former Missouri coach that taking flights on private Gulfstream jets to away games was perfectly within the rules.
“This guy, what a charlatan,” Denmon said about the unnamed assistant, “he told my family it was kosher, but clearly it wasn’t.”
Ricardo Ratliff, one of Missouri’s big men, was despondent after finding out that the piggyback ride a former coach gave him not only ruptured 2 discs in the coach’s back, but a 1-game ban for the first game in the NCAA Tournament.
Ricardo Ratliff looks like he could use a piggyback ride after learning of his NCAA Tournament suspension.
“I can’t believe it,” Ratliff complained. “He assured me that a piggyback ride didn’t violate any rules. I can’t believe a coach would leave and throw us to the wolves. Only a real selfish kind of person with the character of a radioactive slug would do something like this.”
The Pressey brothers were discovered to be fraternal and conjoined twins after a special NCAA investigation and the NCAA came down on them like a hammer on a molten strip of metal. Phil Pressey was immediately reclassified as a senior. It appears that Missourri illegally provided the operation to separate them while the brothers were in high school because they lacked health insurance.
“You don’t know how hard it was,” Phil Pressey said through teary eyes. “Prom was especially tough because Matt was always better with the ladies.”
“He’s right,” added Matt Pressey. “He didn’t have a chance until we were separated.”
After consoling his players, Haith went to the podium to make his case.
“The NCAA has gone too far this time,” said Haith. “When will this organization [the NCAA] get it’s act together? Don’t they realize that hard-working coaches like me play by the rules and don’t deserve to be punished for the violations committed by previous administrations? What kind of lesson are we teaching our kids? Why were Cam Newton and Terelle Prior cleared to play in bowl games and then go pro and avoid suspension and my guys aren’t? Why aren’t their former coaches being punished? The media really needs to ask these questions. They need to ask why the former staff is allowed to gallop into the sunset while we bear the punishment.”
"I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world! What a world!"
After his rant was over a salt truck crashed into the conference room and everyone was covered in NaCl. There was some nervous laughter from the press, and when the dust settled, it was found that Coach Haith had dissolved.
The NCAA was then injected with sodium pentothal (truth serum) and mistakenly released this statement:
“The NCAA doesn’t care about its fans, players, or even the universities. Our chief goal is to make money off of amateur sports. It doesn’t bother us at all that we hold an 18-27 (if you’re Bernard James) year-old to much higher standards than highly compensated grown men and women with a lifetime of experience and a get-out-of-trouble-free-card. It doesn’t bother us that we could come up with some kind of stipend program to supplement the athletes who make vast piles of money for us and still make vast sums of money, even as we know athletics can be a full time job in terms of time put in. We just don’t care.”
Note: This is complete snark and we are not seriously implying that any of the stuff above is real. If it offended Coach Anderson, the players on Missouri, the University of Missouri and their fans, we apologize, as that was not the intent (as we’re sure you figured out). NCAA hypocrisy is difficult to withstand sometimes.
To the entire state of Missouri and its worldwide network of fans: as the “show me” state, Miami Hurricanes fans everywhere assure you that Coach Haith will eventually “show you”.
To ‘Canes fans: think about this – if Haith gets suspended, Mizzou might actually win it all. Such a quandry.
